A woman's cycle - so profound and intrusive at times, such a nuisance really, but at other times such a symbol of our womanhood and a signal direct from within our body.
I never used to think much at all about the impacts or effects of my 'periods', for fifteen years before having kids I was happily on the pill and simply skipped them when I didn't want them and carried on with my life - no PMS, no bloating, no cramps, no zits, and with such regularity that I could plan around them without any care at all.
AND THEN
when I had my second bub everything seemed to change. At thirty three, my thyroid issues (that developed during pregnancy) appeared to be the only factor different in the mix, but I have no medical evidence to support the link (I just know it intuitively!). Suddenly when I tried going back on the pill I turned into some kind of crazed cyborg psychopath, strewn by stress and panic, tears (oh so many tears!), deep emotional plight, bloating, weight gain and eventually after a few days of taking it just quite sad and numb about everything in life.
So I threw them out (well my husband made me!) and explored other brands (I had gone back to my tried and trusted 'estelle' from fifteen years prior). After about ten more failed attempts I gave up for a while, only to realise that the pre-menstrual symptoms (of which I had in my past life mocked as a bit of a joke!) were so bad and almost mirrored the symptoms of when I tried to get on the pill.
Some months, two weeks before my period, I would start getting extremely panicked by daily life routine events, cranky at anyone near me and at times so angry I felt like punching someone (anyone!) in the face, and so so emotional it was ridiculous. I would be a weepy emotional mess just like pregnancy all over again! My period would then finally arrive and I would feel so calm and such a sense of relief that it became a pattern to look out for - I acknowledged it as a potential issue and had numerous discussions with my GP about it. The Mirena was a suggested option, however the thought of having a plastic coil inserted into my uterus for five years was not appealing, and the more people I spoke to who had had one either got it removed after a short time, or experienced such terrible side effects that I don't think I was mentally prepared or strong enough for at the time. I am still yet to find a solution but mentally a lot more stable and in tune with my body which certainly helps!
ANYWAYS.....the last two years have taught me a lot about a woman's (my) cycle that I never ever knew before children, because I have for the first time since I was fourteen experienced what it is from a 'natural' sense and just how much impact it can have, both physically and emotionally. Also I have become aware just how much we as a society tend to suppress any openness and honesty in communicating about this fact of life experienced by half our population.
I don't really have any answers yet or words of wisdom, other than to share in the knowledge that someone else out there might be having their own struggles with 'cycle management' and I want to let you know that you are not alone! Reach out to your fellow girlfriends for support - you may be surprised at how many others are going through the same thing!
I'm going to keep trying with the pill however it now isn't the be all and end all of my life! It has made me stop and wonder about the woman's body, and just what goes on inside us on a daily basis, and how different we are internally to the male body. Yes, a woman's cycle has a lot to answer for, but it can also lead us to see how connected we can become when we are in tune with and listen to what our body is telling us:)
Tehla xx
